Offering My Body

Just a day of photos and offering my body to Him. That’s all that needs to be said, cause sometimes…that’s all you need.

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My Freedom Is He

There’s darkness and crevices I’ve never known inside

But none so discovered and lightened than by Him

I’m twisted and contorted and broken, I hide

But never so fearlessly faced than by Him

I cry and I claw and I lash out in fear

But no one has ever stood ground more than He

And now as I crumble and fall to my knees

No higher a vision to look to than His

Forgiveness redemption salvation I crave

For all that i still look to be

It comes at the end of a leash to my heart

The key to my freedom is He

We Won

Sometimes, The Chariot card in tarot decks is depicted with a male and female inside the chariot. To me, that feels right and good.

To see them working together as a powerful team or union toward a journey or goal. It also reminds me of the birthday card He sent that said, “Life with you is a trip”.

It has been a trip. A journey. Learning about each other and growing. The ups and downs, the excursions, the unexpected turns, bumpy roads, beautiful vistas, and, always, the exciting where-to-next, which is such a big part of us.

“You won”; something that has come of my mouth, and His, as well. It has quite a bomb like feeling between us, and is never said during times of happiness between us. Instead, it’s exploded during times of extreme stress and worry and fear.

I thought about that statement this morning. In one way, we are both Aries. Battle is just part of us, but like anything else, it can be done in a hot sexual play battle or a painful defeated white flag. I gno which way enlivens and charges us; I gno which way steals the most sacred vision of a future together. It’s that serious.

The Chariot has those two opposites working as well. Male/female energy, high/low, hot/cold positive/negative and win/lose or triumph/defeat. Just like the yin/yang sign, though, each opposite has a bit of it’s opposite inside of each other.

So, as He always says, intent means everything. Nothing is inherently good or bad, but holds in it parts of the other. As is true even when things become harsh between us. There is a clearing. A renewed focus of what is truly important and wanted. Like a forest fire that clears the way for new growth.

“You won”, can then be seen as “We won” since we is within each you. He is such a part of me, that no matter what I have percolating inside…it’s all Him…it’s all us. “We won” is my intent.

To see us on the other side of this journey or trip. To realize there’s always a new trip and you never truly reach a destination, only start new ones. That we are the destination. We are the journey. We hold all of the power within us, assisted by powers unseen, I’m sure.

Like the couple in the Chariot who work together to achieve a goal and thrill in a dream, “We won” is so appropriate and so much more powerful and joyous. And so very us. The dream of “We won” is in my heart of hearts. The best and brightest for us both. Together.

When You Wish Upon A Stone

I had stopped into one of these woo shops in Sedona. First one since I’ve been in the area. I looked at all kinds of stones and love touching them and scrying into them, but find it’s another addiction. You can’t have just one.

After I left the store, this dark blue sparkling heart stone kept tugging on me. I am getting better at going toward what truly calls me, for whatever reason; and this heart shaped stone did.

Passing the place on the way after work, my car just pulled into the woo shops parking lot. No fault of mine, of course. The blue heart. I zipped right to it.

The guy behind the cash register brought my attention to the fact that it wasn’t the stone I thought it was. I read the wrong label thinking it was to calm anxiety and some other voodoo healing powers. Well, do I go with the stone the description was talking about or the stone I was attracted to? Fuck it, I liked the sparkly blue. Don’t ask me why sparkles are my thing lately.

When I got home, I looked up the real description, and lo and behold it was even better than I had thought. It is called a blue gold stone. I couldn’t help thinking about intention, too.

Who says that this stone has to embody what someone else says it does? Isn’t my own instinct just as powerful? In other words, the truth may be that what we intend it to be…it becomes. Besides, it’s a man made stone. Intention, therefore, up for grabs.

It meant for me something to focus on. Something to draw me in and calm me from all of this bullshit noise that my head and heart and the outside world makes. It meant magic because, fuck, sparkles always mean that something magical is going on. It meant my heart can have any wish it so chooses and focus’s on, and maybe there’s more power in that than anything else.

So, here’s to wishing upon a…stone. To love and abundance and finding home. To dreams that aren’t ever truly alone. Amen, fuck yeah, and…ohhhhhhm.

Mistress Of Darkness And Light

It came out of a silly movie, but who says life always sends profound messages through serious vessels? Remember Elvira? I never even saw one of her movies. I just saw one for the first time tonight.

I’ve been pretty evil, lately. Pushing buttons and lashing out in ways I’m not very proud of. Got in trouble last night with Him. I won’t go into it, just to say that it took me watching the open evilness of Elvira to connect some dots. And I don’t just mean between nipples, although that’s appropriate.

I’ve been in kind of a haze since I got to Arizona. Somewhere in between New Jersey and Oklahoma, she went into hiding. She is my Lilith. My dark side. My princess of evil, who never once winces at being her true, pure, powerfully slutty self. She relishes in it. She becomes a force of nature and a ball of fire. A cock teasing, evil grinning, fuck-you-I-get-what-I-want twisted whore.

Lilith’s expression at the fashion show/Manhattan.

I denounced her the other night. It was my ultimate swan dive into self pity and blame and tormented temper tantrums. I saw her reflection in a photo of a night I modeled in Manhattan. Fuck me, she was so powerful that she actually worked her way into that position. Between being released by Him and her need to entice and slither and please Him, magick happened. A combination of His energy and hers, I’d say.

He told me I had basically killed her, but I figure it was more like buried her. She’s still alive. Still breathing. I know this, because she was laughing at me tonight. “Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark”, was like a parody of my life. Public burning at the stake and all. But just like Elvira, I had a secret weapon, too. It wasn’t a red stoned ring (although I do wear quite a powerful ring), it was Lilith.

Lilith could have gotten whatever she wanted. She could have stood up to anyone and anything. I chose to ask her to step back. To let me handle things. To run from the mob and a life and me.

She was poking me tonight. Reminding me she was there, lurking in the shadow. Telling me what a fool I’ve been. That she was just a part of me. The part that’s not afraid. The part that knows what strength is and power and being alive. And yes, inside me…it’s through fucking. It’s pure animalistic sex.

It’s also a choice, I’m starting to realize. She’s like lightning bolt speed with no safety net. So, there’s a reason for her. She pushes me to just do it. Don’t think. Just go for it. Other parts of me are a bit more grounded. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s time for integration. I’m not all her, she’s part of me.

She’s a hugely exciting and fun part of me, though. And for lots of reasons, mostly not healthy ones, I hid her away. The part of me that hid Lilith away has been running the show. That part has her reasons for being inside me, too. I would be wrong to demonize her. She’s kind and considerate and giving and loving. She’ll do anything for you, especially if she sees you’re in pain. She loves to see everyone smile.

That’s her beneficial side. And like Lilith…she has two sides. When she is good she is very good, but when she is bad she is fucking miserable. The other side of her is the victim. The life sucking, smothering, needy and very passive-aggressive, petulant child.

Without Lilith, she, we’ll call her June (as in June Cleever–He used to call her that) takes over. She’s like water, where Lilith is fire. She, June, slowly seeps in and drowns everything good. Her tears become a tsunami, just as dangerous as a raging fire that can’t be contained.

Why does it take me so fucking long to recognize my own behavior? Well, hating myself hasn’t ever brought much good. It’s part of letting June’s showers swamp what is good. It’s more important to do the work of changing the behavior by seeing where it’s coming from. Me. It’s all me.

Through all of this time, all these years now, He has always been there to tame them both. He grabs Lilith by the throat and forces her to her knees, and with June, it’s more of a quick slap in the face. It’s the harsh words that feel like a freezing cold bucket of water.

I walk around swearing I’m right…and then it hits me. Through a silly movie. A reminder of all of who I am. That amazing sultry fire and that engulfing pool of love. And then there’s this mess of a woman scratching her head saying how the fuck did I wind up here. That would also be me.

“The power & the magic isn’t in being right or wrong, merely in being genuine”, He brilliantly and beautifully said right before I started smashing dishes in a childish tantrum. The dishes are allegorical, of course. Damaging, all the same.

It’s been a quiet night of epiphanies. All part of the journey, I guess. All part of healing and seeing the forest for the trees. Something I’m not always that good at. I’m sorry for hurting the man I love. I’m sorry for not recognizing what He was trying to get me to see.

Faith Has A Tailwind

Consistency. Not exactly my best attribute. Wait, let me rephrase that, consistency is something I desperately need to work on. Yes, that truthful. When He said I had stopped doing a few ritual things in offering, it hit home.

I’ve gotten off track, and I know why. And He knows why. It’s because of my wanting and focusing only on that. I’ve allowed it to warp my sense of duty and service and only center on myself. I don’t even feel He mentioned this out of His own needs. Thinking back, it was more just to make me aware of what I’ve been doing…and not been doing, and why.

The little things often mean more than we realize. They’re the first things to go when we feel stress. They fade into the background of focusing on the negative.

I write things here to make them public. Some of that is because of a sexual nature in me that craves attention and exposure in lots of different ways. But some part of it is to speak it out loud and remind myself of what’s important.

What I give out, I get back. That’s true for all of us. It’s not the surface shit, either. That’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the real intent, the real feeling and the real you that is put into what we offer this life. Our relationships are a mirror of that life.

We reflect for each other and we give to each other gifts we don’t always see. Offering the best to someone else, in my case to Him, is saying “I have faith in you, and I have faith in me”. That may be the tailwind that will help them fly as much as ourselves.

I Still Believe In Magic

I still believe in Magic

The feeling of right in your heart and a dream in your soul

It’s an open road with potential and power to be

It’s a knowing and a sparkle in your eye and the spirit of adventure

Don’t let that die in you, don’t let it suffocate

If you see what you want, then hold it in a vision

Let its power fill you each day and hold you at night

Remember the sweetness of yourself as a child before they told you can’t

Turn the key of that ignition and go for gold–it’s there…waiting for you

I still believe in Magic

I always will